Previously, we took a glance at the Hartford Police Department’s daily arrest record. It’s only fair to be upfront about Hartford’s crime problem. Here are descriptions of recent crimes in the capitol city, along with explanations and questions for further consideration.
SALE GUNS TO ALIENS Admittedly, Hartford has one fierce alien problem. They walk among us, blending in. Many of them appear in suits and ties downtown. There are a few tricks 
to discerning alien lifeforms. For instance, they tend to drive in the wrong lane, consistently, despite “working” (if being in a cubicle deciphering code to send back to the home planet while on the clock is work) here Monday through Friday. Sometimes, you will see women wearing dresses or skirts–99% of the time, not form-fitting–paired with sneakers. If you encounter what could be an alien, it’s best to not engage in conversation, as prattling on about stock options and IRAs is their secret way of sucking out your soul. Move along, and report them to one of the Hartford Ambassadors.
CULTIVATE MARIJUANA It’s a crime to be green in Hartford, hippie. Just as caring for certain species of plants is problematic, so is the destruction of factories (see: MUTILATED FACTORY NUM). It’s against the American way of life. And if you want to question the status quo, you might as well just sell weapons to aliens.
CRIM TROVER Other people’s trash actually can’t be your treasure. Punishable by law!
PANHANDLING A few people have been arrested for panhandling on Asylum Street. It’s all about location and spin. For example, if a person were to invite a few hundred people to join in a black-tie event where there will be wine and cheese, followed by a keynote speaker, and then a direct request for money, say, a check for $250, that’s within the boundaries of the law. Ask someone for a quarter, and you’ve transgressed boundaries of good taste.
UNNECESSARY OR UNUSUAL NOISE: My guess is that the police are not willing to get into a philosophical discussion with potential arrestees (residents, visitors, and aliens), but my first question would be for them to define what constitutes a necessary or usual noise. There are noise ordinances, fairly well described, and arrests for such. This is entirely different. I have my own long list of things that would be considered unnecessary noises–hair dryers, the woman next door telling her dog to “STFU,” horn blowing, cell phones ringing…–but I have no way to compare this to what might be on an officer’s list of unnecessary noise. The unusual noise is what interests me a bit more. Maybe that noise was usual to that individual creating it? My food processor made an unusual noise when I decided to grind coffee beans today. If it disturbed my upstairs neighbor, who I think works the night shift, would she have been justified in calling the police, and would I have been arrested for creating an unusual (and in her world, unnecessary) noise? How long must such a noise persist before it becomes an offense?
PATRONIZING A PROSTITUTE: It’s rude to belittle someone, to talk down to her. If the person one is speaking to mockingly is a prostitute, you best hope no cops are around to straighten you out. They might be “ladies of the night,” but ladies nonetheless, and we all know that one must speak politely to ladies and show them respect.
Hartford cares, and we know this because it is illegal to not have a hand free while walking down the street. Someone was recently arrested for CARRYING PKG WHICH PREVENTS BOTH HAN, and really, this was for his own well-being. If he tripped, he would not have been able to safely break his fall. It’s a good thing that Officer Friendly was there to ensure this person was safe.
IMPROPER PARKING is another common crime here. While the arrest log does not provide the details I’d like, I can use my imagination as to how and where people are parking. It might begin as simply as double-parking (for those who don’t know, that means parking out in the street to the left of an already parked car. Sometimes this is exacerbated because the legally parked car is very large or kind of crooked. There’s a domino effect), but can entail more gratuitous crimes, such as parking on the sidewalk (Ha! Take that, lack of parking downtown!), on someone’s lawn, blocking a street, or in the driveway of someone who doesn’t want you there.
Again, because Hartford cares about your personal well-being, you can be arrested for EVADING RESPONSIBILITY. Because this is open to interpretation, it is almost every mother’s dream. Don’t take out the trash? Boom, spend the night in jail. Call out sick when you really just feel like watching soap operas all day– get cuffed. For adults who have that Peter Pan Syndrome, getting hauled down to the North Meadows a couple times can reverse those juvenile, irresponsible tendencies.
Given the pervasiveness of fireworks ownership and detonation in the past six weeks, it’s somewhat surprising that there were only a couple of arrests for POSSESSION – FIREWORKS. Unlike crack or heroin, in my novice opinion, fireworks would be easy to detect. They’re bright, loud, and if set off in rapid succession, emit a noticeable odor. I have a theory about why those few individuals were arrested. 1) Their demonstration sucked. Maybe there were a lot of duds. Perhaps there was no variety. Or worse, they just set off those “worms” that grow on the sidewalk and smell bad. 2) They aimed the fireworks at living creatures 3) When the cops showed up, they didn’t offer the officers the chance to light off a few.
One question I have about the law is at what point does possession become intent to sell? There are quantities designated for drugs, but what about alcohol. Someone was recently arrested in my neighborhood (for shame!) for KEEPING LIQUOR W/ INTENT TO SELL. Are we talking about a few bottles of Schnapps? Bathtub gin? Or was this person planning to create a roving unlicensed liquor store–the equivalent of those tables set up on the side of the road with t-shirt, bootleg videos, sunglasses, purses (all illegal w/out permit)? Thankfully, the police log includes the name and address, so I might pop over there to inquire. I mean, damn, this is CT and we still have blue laws to deal with. If someone wants to be selling on a Sunday, I don’t know that I’d call it a crime as much as rebellion against our Puritanical history.
All of this leads me to a single conclusion– it’s been designated that everyone in Hartford must be arrested at some time, hence, the creative arrestable offenses. It’s only a matter of time before my name is up there for some genius crime, like DRIVING IN THE RIGHT LANE, which one would think is not a crime at all.